Need for Speed

I was a kid the first and the last time I rode a go kart. It was at the Fiesta Carnival with my two boy cousins. It was such a thrill for me already then, though as far as I remember, the circuit was just plain circle (or square?) and I couldn’t speed up as much as I wanted to.

So the night at the Kart City in Tarlac was the second time I rode a cart. I was so excited and anxious that I was keenly watching all those people cart-driving who came before my turn. I could tell who just wanted to experience the kart and who wanted the real kart experience.

So, when I rode on the cart, I first tested the gas and the brake pedals, driving slowly to see if this cart of mine follows the command of my steering wheel. I guess I could drive this thing, I thought. So, I stepped on the gas and decided to test its speed. I didn’t remember that karts go that fast, considering I was just a kid when I first drove one. I wasn’t as fast or as good a driver as the experienced kart drivers, but I did the fastest that I could. I enjoyed the strong wind on my skin and the feeling that I might hit the boundaries anytime (they were rubber tires). I especially enjoyed the sharp turns without hitting the brakes! If I were on a real car, the car would have turtle-turned and perhaps I would die, with some cheap insurance to compensate for my death. But the kart design was a genius. I wondered how they built it in such a way that it never seemed to flip no matter how fast and wrong the turn I made. I remembered the thrill I had with some officemates years back, when we tried “playing” with the car in the Villamor area (remember, rico?). Whew! That was one of the carefree (more like careless) moves I did in my life, but I love it. What the heck? We all wanted to defy gravity some time. I, for one, want to fly.

In the last few laps, I removed my helmet. I wanted to feel the speed on my face.

(P.S. In this place, you can drink and drive.)

what’s happening, anyway?

In a month, I haven’t watched or listened to the news. This is abnormal, really. The first and last thing I do every day is listen to the news. I like talking about current events, both the funny and the annoying. I haven’t even checked newspapers to see the latest showbiz news or see philadelphia inquirer jobs. I suddenly lost my used-to-be insatiable interest on what’s happening around. Was it because I couldn’t even have a clear perspective on my own life? Or was it because I got tired of listening to the same old sh*t? Or was it because I no longer give a damn? Now that I think about it, I really don’t know what’s happening.

waiting/stalling

I have cousins and friends who love drinking. Since they started drinking beer, they haven’t stopped. It is a regular thing. I join them whenever I can, though it’s seldom. I also have friends who love smoking weed. And I don’t mind the smell, though I haven’t tried one. Some people mistake me for a ganja user, but I haven’t really smoked one. I am not judging people who use them; most of them I know are good people. They smoke for different reasons. Several nights ago, one friend insisted that I tried to smoke one. I have virgin lungs, he said. He was an intelligent man and tried talking me into it. He told me that cigarettes are worse because it has nicotine, that it isn’t really bad for the health (i.e., in case I didn’t have an NC health insurance yet), and that they would ensure that I am in good hands with them. I’ve already heard (and wrote a paper) the things he said, except the last of course. And I actually believe that he had good intentions on insisting. His real concern was that he wanted me to see things I’ve never seen before—-more like to open my mind on things I haven’t thought about. I believe him; I know that. While going home, he seriously asked me why I didn’t want to try. I said, I would, but not this time. He said, life is so short, and the universe as we know it may just end soon. I said, I’m just waiting for the right moment, and I’d just know it when it comes. Then I added, when I do this now, there’s nothing else to look forward to, there’s nothing else to try.

Casper’s Family

Casper was my first responsibility. He

was given to me by a friend when he was 2 months old when I was 17. I was so excited when I saw him; he was as white as snow and as quiet as a leaf on a tree, with a calm, watchful eyes. I took it upon myself to take care of him hands-on. I’ve already told the story of Casper & Me on this blog. Now, Casper has brown spots on his furs and as loud as a siren whenever he calls out to me, with a playful, watchful eyes. That we love each other so much is undeniable. And I wonder if I could get the chance to have that same bonding that I had with him with others.

After leaving them on their temporary home, with Nicci asleep on the metal tile covered with old carpet, from the time I was on the bus, to the time I got home last night, to the moment I woke up this morning, to now, I was thinking of how Nicci and Kate were doing. Worry? Maybe. Separation anxiety? Maybe. After Kate almost died while giving birth and after all Nicci’s siblings did not survive, I feel guilt that I had to leave them. I feel scared that I might lose them. I feel once again responsible for them. After all, they are Casper’s family, my family.

things i can write about

I’ve been up trying to think of things that I can write about, even xyphedrine side effects. I need to write them all now. What’s funny, though, is there are several things that had been on my head, and yet I cannot and do not want to write about them. One of them had been rehearsed on my head for several months now, but I haven’t written down a single word. There are things that I get too scared to write about, mostly because I do not want to relive the experience, to once again feel the pain. Maybe someday I can still write about them, or at least I can remember the feelings and the details. For now, I have to think of things that I can write about.

Visitor Status

It had been the longest stay I had in our home since I started working in 2004. I guess I gained several pounds, despite all the troubles in my mind and the lack of sleep. I have said this a thousand times, it feels good to be home. When I said goodbye to Lola and cousin Ian, I asked them if they would miss me. Ian said, “overstaying ka na nga dito e.” I laughed at the idea. It was true. I was just like a regular visitor in the house. I remembered back in my first year in college when I counted the number of days in a year when I was home (just like counting term life insurance quotes). I think it was about 4 months, including the summer vacation. When I started working, it decreased to just about a month. Now, I wondered if after several more years, when I look back, I would see that I missed much in their lives. Oftentimes, I enjoy the special treatment I get from Lola and my cousins, probably because I have this “visitor” status—that I am seldom home so they are nicer to me and that I seldom eat cooked food so they would prepare the meals I wanted. But of course, there are many birthdays that I missed because it fell on weekdays, there are many jokes that I didn’t hear because I wasn’t home, and there are many fights that I didn’t see because I was far. I wasn’t as much a part of their lives as they are to each other, and as much as I would have wanted to be involved. No, I’m not saying that they love me less. It’s just that sometimes I feel an “outsider” in their worlds. Probably this is like the dilemma of those working abroad, only I am just 4 hours away from home. Sometimes, I wish I could just shed out this visitor status.

On enrollment

Was there a school in this country or anywhere else in the world where enrollment isn’t so difficult? Of course, these computer systems have somehow made enrollment easy. But it still hasn’t eliminated waiting on long lines, or waiting for some important person who has to sign your paper who had been on a break for so long, or walking back and forth from one building to the next in the heat of the sun just to have something photocopied. Either students get skin cancer (if not cancer from mesothelioma) or sustain high blood. It still hasn’t prevented telling students to go back the next day, and then the next, when that lady in the office could just give you that damn paper that you need. Finally, it still hasn’t kept the prices from hiking, and you get so frustrated when your miscellaneous fee is much higher than your actual tuition fee. And not even the computer systems nor you could do anything about these.

thank you, zedd and chase

Three days ago, Kate gave birth for the first time. It was really a wonderful experience watching her give birth and see, through my own eyes, how she automatically became a well-caring mother to her pups. So this is mother instinct, I thought. She had always been the naughty one, and yet right after she gave birth (and while giving birth to the rest), she looks after her children, carefully bringing each close to each other when one strays a bit away from her and licking them all to clean them up. She gives each of them equal time. I had it all on video. I just wish I wrote about it sooner.

Just yesterday, Kate and Casper had three little puppies: zedd, nicci, and chase. Two nights ago, I was just watching all three of them clamped together, perhaps keeping each other warm, or perhaps just enjoying the furs of their siblings. I was stroking each of them with a finger, thinking we’d need a bigger home for them when they grow up (like those used motorhomes) and that my baby bro Casper now have a family, after several years of just being him and me.

But zedd and chase had to go already. I feel really, really sad, especially for Kate. These puppies brought joy to our home after a month of depression. My grandmother told me not to be sad, “may tinutubos siguro sila para sa atin.” She had always believed in that superstition, that a pet dies to save the life of one of us in the family. I just wish I could have also save theirs.

into the next level

Ian is now entering a new, and probably the most exciting stage, in his life: college. No one is more happy to see him graduate than our Lola who practically brought him up, supported his education, and has been a very good “parent” to him. Below is their picture before we left for the graduation venue.

Since he started fourth year high school, I had been asking him what he wanted to take in college. As of now, he’s still undecided, though that DepEd test recommends that he takes something related to fine arts, but nothing like those POS systems. He has a talent in drawing and designing. If I would choose for him, I want him to be an engineer or an architect. That sounds like a good title, right? He is also considering taking an IT course or computer science. Well, he has until May to think about it.

Of course, Ian also wanted Lola to march with him. He, after all, is the typical Lola’s boy.

eskapo

It’s been a while since the last time I’ve been to work, almost a month I think. And with this long interval, I really REALLY do not want to go back. Though I haven’t been coming to the office, I’ve had several works online. Although it’s not as rewarding, it is not as tiring. Besides, with all the despairs I’m experiencing now, I do not want to go back. But of course, this can’t last forever. I had to go to work sometime, especially now, especially with the new challenge we have as a family now. I wish I have a cache of pieces of gold bullion to spend for the rest of life. I do not know if this zone is comfort, or if this is escape.

As I was talking to my friend, he told me, it’s really hard to leave this place. It’s true. Once you stay home for a while, it’s becoming harder and harder to leave. Time-space warp, indeed.