the body "thief"

June 5, 2010

Mom had her first chemotherapy last Wedneday. It was postponed for several weeks. Other sicknesses kept on coming up, and she could not undergo chemotherapy until her body was strong enough to endure it. Ever since, mom has a low tolerance level on pain, and she has always been the paranoid type. At times, I felt that she’s a bit hypochondriac, complaining of illness from one part of her body to the next. However, nothing was really serious…until she got the big C.

I can tell that she was really scared of undergoing chemotherapy. No amount of encouraging words could ease her anxiety, not even the web sites (those from reputable hospitals, but not those from toprateddietpills.com) that her aunt who also has breast cancer is sharing with her. The anticipation was really hard for her; hence, those several illnesses that came up, in her gums, stomach, nose, blood pressure, etc., were, I guess, psychosomatic reactions, or a delaying mechanism that her mind unconsciously put up.

So last Wednesday, she finally got her chemo. They had to inject her a relaxant because her blood pressure was shooting up. What stuck to her mind was my uncle’s wife death after she had her chemo, also for breast cancer. But that was an exception, rather than the rule. Despite all the cancer survivors that we’ve been telling her, including the succesful chemo treatments of our little boy cancer survivor Eric, what she keeps in her mind was the mortality of the few people she knew. Then again, I imagine it must be really hard on her part to have that inner strength. She is really scared of sickness, to start with. When one hears of cancer, regular person tends to get overwhelmed. How is it, then, if one who lacks willpower actually gets cancer?

So, tonight we decided to bring her to the hospital. Since last Wednesday, she hasn’t been eating. She said she couldn’t force herself to eat. We are worried that she might lose all her strength, and I hope that the IV fluids would somehow give her the energy she needs. And I actually wish she could have all my strength.

another year

Yesterday, I already enrolled for the 1st semester. It took a whole day and 11 steps to finish that enrollment, shaming fat burners with calories burned that day. This is not without hesitations and reservations. It was like the first time I enrolled last year; I hesitated to pay the tuition fee, honestly. Back then, I was afraid of the possibility that my grandmother’s money would just go to waste. I did not trust myself enough then. Throughout the first year, I learned that the determining factor is not only myself, but so many more: the professors (and their whims), my work, the financial resources, and most importantly, the needs of my family. So yesterday, I still have that fear, the fear that I could not finish what I would be starting. As in back then, I am still afraid of the possibility that my grandmother’s (and my) money would just go to waste, especially when there’s scarcity of it. And the italicized factors remain, and from my assessment, they all leveled up. I’m sure all of my friends, including those I’ve only met here, would wish me well and honestly believe that I could go through with another year. And honestly, those words you leave here mean so much to me. And once again, I am counting on my bahala na, kaya yan attitude. I am trying to remember that vow I made one day on my way to san beda.