in pursuit of law (and justice)

When I learned that Mom has cancer, I was deliberating about stopping from law school. I thought about working double time on my freelance jobs because this sickness is much, much more than my family can pay for. As soon as I learned of the news, I was already thinking of where to get that extra cash. It isn’t as easy as getting more jobs or getting the best weightloss products (i.e., writing this post). As of now, I haven’t thought of any, but I already left my old work because I needed to refresh my parents’ consumed health insurance.

Anyway, I already thought of abandoning or postponing schooling. I was not about to tell anyone of this plan. I do not want any member of the family to take pity of me, though I myself had been sulking in self-pity at that time (oh, the thought of never becoming what you want to be…). But my semi-financier grandmother asked me when the next enrollment is, and I said, in a low voice, without looking at her face, that I will not enroll this semester. Immediately, I felt the sadness that she felt, and the gloom in her face was unmistakeable. There was serious disappointment and pain that she was not able to hide. She felt pity for me. My lola was a very strong person despite her small frame, but it appeared to me then that she was about to cry, trying hard to hold back her tears (I guess I got it from her).

Immediately, I tried to explain or to arrive at a compromise. I couldn’t handle her if she cried. I told that there will still be next years, or maybe not take full load, or maybe transfer to another school. Her whole point was that she wanted me to be “stable” before she leaves this world, and she said it’s not that long (gosh.. writing this is painful). And I decided to give her what she wanted, what I wanted. In my mind, I know it’s gonna be much, much more harder than last year, with the new work and the new sickness and all. My only comfort is that there are still many friends who give me small talks and moral booster.

When I think about it, perhaps this pursuit of law is really my pursuit of justice. That if only I will work really really hard, in the end, I will get what I, and others who believe in me, deserve.