Visitor Status

It had been the longest stay I had in our home since I started working in 2004. I guess I gained several pounds, despite all the troubles in my mind and the lack of sleep. I have said this a thousand times, it feels good to be home. When I said goodbye to Lola and cousin Ian, I asked them if they would miss me. Ian said, “overstaying ka na nga dito e.” I laughed at the idea. It was true. I was just like a regular visitor in the house. I remembered back in my first year in college when I counted the number of days in a year when I was home (just like counting term life insurance quotes). I think it was about 4 months, including the summer vacation. When I started working, it decreased to just about a month. Now, I wondered if after several more years, when I look back, I would see that I missed much in their lives. Oftentimes, I enjoy the special treatment I get from Lola and my cousins, probably because I have this “visitor” status—that I am seldom home so they are nicer to me and that I seldom eat cooked food so they would prepare the meals I wanted. But of course, there are many birthdays that I missed because it fell on weekdays, there are many jokes that I didn’t hear because I wasn’t home, and there are many fights that I didn’t see because I was far. I wasn’t as much a part of their lives as they are to each other, and as much as I would have wanted to be involved. No, I’m not saying that they love me less. It’s just that sometimes I feel an “outsider” in their worlds. Probably this is like the dilemma of those working abroad, only I am just 4 hours away from home. Sometimes, I wish I could just shed out this visitor status.