What Ifs

My indecisiveness at times consumes much of my energy. Even while I sleep, I still ponder on what correct actions to take. Perhaps given the circumstances I have right now, people will also be as indecisive as I am, or not. In a country where social security disability is commonplace, I struggle to have a future as stable, and comfortable, as it can be, even if it means spending most hours of the day working, inside and outside the office.

When risks on my life are concerned, like driving too fast, jumping from the Macau tower, or simply ignoring vehicles whenever I cross the street walking, I have no qualms. No second thoughts. But when it involves the stability of my life, like the time when I was deliberating on transferring to another company, it takes me too long to decide and too many questions to ask. Probably because I am not that afraid to die but so darn afraid to live a life more desperate than this one. Right now, I am contemplating on forcing myself to have an investment, something that would be deducted from my salary on a monthly basis. Yes, forcing is the operative word. Without any outside help or any good changes, or if my predicted scenarios would be delayed, living a decent life would seem impossible. Again, I am indecisive. Again, too many questions to ask. Again, too long a time to decide. Afraid an opportunity might slip away; afraid to make a mistake. If only.